so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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