I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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