the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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