I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
