toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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