He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
