just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
