isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
