You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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