dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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