Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize