Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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