my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
