Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
