I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
