Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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