sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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