Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
