I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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