I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
