I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
