I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
