I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
