You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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