I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
