shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
