God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
