put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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