It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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