it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
