i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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