Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
