Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
