i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
