i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
