my mouth tastes like poor choices
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize