y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
