OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
