Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
