so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
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