Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
