3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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