go do what you do best...puke behind churches
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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