Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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