his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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