my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
