So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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