Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
