I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
