I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
