what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
