I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Barsexuality is the new black.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize