Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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