I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
