Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
