Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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