I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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