did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
