a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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