It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Randomize
