Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
