She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
